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Dr. Evil Interviews Lt. General Ben Hodges Commander of US Army Europe

(The opinions expressed herein are solely the opinions of Dr. Evil.  We do not assent, concur, approve, sanction, support, favor, esteem, commend, acquiesce, admire, endorse, or agree with, the opinions, feelings, thoughts, views, beliefs, judgments, or outlooks expressed herein.  We do not take a view either favorably or unfavorably on evil, in general, or specifically.  We do not deny its existence nor do we promote its reality.  We neither understand its importance nor do we comprehend its meaning.  If it is a concept we should recognize, then we don’t.  If it is a concept we shouldn’t recognize, then we do. The morality of evil is purely a personal matter, to be shared among non-consenting adults, and is protected by the code of political correctness.)

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Dr. Evil:  I would like to welcome my guest Lt. General Ben Hodges, Welcome General.

General:  Glad to be with you Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil:  I understand you are in charge of U.S. Armed forces in Europe, and the nukes?  How could I get my hands on some of those bombs?

General:  Well, Dr. Evil the nuclear component of our country is under the command and control of different entities within the U.S. Military but ultimately under the control of civilian authority, specifically the President of the United States.

Dr. Evil:  So I couldn’t buy one?

General:  No Sir

Dr. Evil:  Borrow one?

General:  No Sir.

Dr. Evil:  Steal one?

General:  Well certainly not from us.

 Lt. General Ben Hodges, U.S. Army Europe

Lt. General Ben Hodges, U.S. Army Europe

Dr. Evil:  Well shit, I can’t catch a frikin break when it comes to getting a weapon of mass destruction.  Saddam didn’t have any, Kim Jong-il died on me, and his son is a complete frickin loon, those tight assed Israelis have turned me down, something about an existential threat and don’t get me started on those Pakistanis.  What’s an evil genius got to do, to get back on top?

General:  Hmmm, I am not sure Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil:  Well, anyway the real purpose for this interview was because of some of the rather deliciously “PROVOCATIVE” (motions in the air with both hands making the quote symbol) statements you made about those Ruskies.

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General:  Yes sir, and which comments are you interested in reviewing?

Dr. Evil:  Well, the one where you said that a Russian preemptive attack was very likely if your forces didn’t make a robust show of their capabilities.  Which I assume means to prance about with your tanks, warplanes, and troops, making a bunch of noise, shooting off flares, scaring the chickens, flattening out some poor farmers crops.  Sounds delightful!

General:  Well prance isn’t the word I would use, but a show of force is exactly the idea.

Dr. Evil:  In my infinite evil wisdom, I have never had to prove to anyone my evil genius, unless I wasn’t the top dog.  (Raising an eyebrow) General, I think these Ruskies have you by the short hairs on your scrotum, don’t they? Now we are getting somewhere.  Let me see the Russians have the bigger guns? Don’t they, admit it, it won’t hurt.

 NATO War Games

NATO War Games

General:  No sir we have the finest weapons that a military-industrial complex can produce.  To give you an order of magnitude, we and just our top 5 NATO allies spend 10 times more on defense than the Russians.

Dr. Evil:  Well they must have a larger economy?

General:  Well not exactly, Russia has a 2 trillion dollar economy and 140 million people.  We have 28 allies with a combined economy of 37 trillion dollars and just over 900 million people.

Dr. Evil:  Did you say 37 MILLION, I mean 37 BILLION dollars?

General:  No sir I said 37 trillion dollars.

Dr. Evil:  How much is a trillion?  Let me see…… (starts counting on his fingers)

General:  That is 1,000 billions.

Dr. Evil:  Well then Russia must have powerful allies committed by treaty to help defend them?

General:  Well, I am not clear on treaty obligations, but Belarus, Kazakhstan, Azerbaijan, Armenia, and Bulgaria are considered to be their best friends in the area. Sorry, Bulgaria is in NATO, although friendly with the Russians.

 Favorite son of Kazakhstan, Borat Sagdiyev

Favorite son of Kazakhstan, Borat Sagdiyev

Dr. Evil:  Hmmm, quite a lineup there General. (Sarcastically)

General:  (Chuckling) I see your point Dr. Evil.  We have been effective in surrounding, sorry, not a good choice of words, in developing allies in the region.

Dr. Evil:  Well I am about to give up, ok…. they have positioned their army close to the important capitals of the NATO alliance?

General:  Well let me see, (the general scrolls through his iPad) 4,900 miles to Washington, 800 miles to Berlin, 1,300 miles to London, 1,400 miles to Paris.  Not really, but they did just invade several countries.

Dr. Evil:  Aye, some of your allies no doubt. Perfect.  Which country? Poland, Belgium, France?

General:  Well technically not allies, but the sovereign country of Ukraine.

Dr. Evil:  Those bastards, I am starting to like their style. Plenty of pillaging I am sure!

General:  Well not so much, as the region invaded, Crimea, had been part of the Soviet Union and before that Russia.

Dr. Evil:  So they conquered land that had historically been theirs?  What a bunch of dumb-shits, don’t you agree general?

General:  Well that’s a political issue that I am not authorized to comment on.

Dr. Evil:  But you no doubt sent in overwhelming forces and made them pay for their insolent invasion?

General:  Not exactly, but we did initiate economic sanctions against Russia for the invasion and in the months following.  Their stock market and currency crashed.

Dr. Evil:  Hmm, I think I am getting a perfectly, genius evil thought.  You cornered the bear, and when he growled and bared his fangs, you made him the guilty party.  Brilliant, General you have outclassed the Russians by almost every measure one could imagine, and yet…… they are the “BAD GUYS” in the press.  Perfectly, evil.

General:  Well Dr. Evil I appreciate your approval, but I wouldn’t characterize it exactly the way you did.

 2014 Coup of Ukrainian Government in Capital of Kiev

2014 Coup of Ukrainian Government in Capital of Kiev

Dr. Evil:  Of course you wouldn’t General, because you aren’t a true evil Genius.   You clearly missed some obvious opportunities to make your plan even more evil.  What if you had undermined the democratically elected government of Ukraine by planting secret agents to sew chaos?  This plan would have been expertly and fully coordinated with the U.S. Ambassador.  The ensuing pandemonium would have caused a nation wide civil war between the various ethnic groups.  To top it off, you would have recruited a cadre of neo-Nazis to lead your rebel forces and then have them shoot down a civil airline, preferably Dutch, you know I hate those Freaky-Deaky Dutch, and blame it on the Russians.   Sometimes I amaze myself……. Stunned into silence at my evil brilliance General? (making his signature move, he raises his pinky finger to the edge of his mouth).

General:  No comment

Dr. Evil:  Ohh… that’s ok General.  Standing before an Evil Mastermind is daunting I am sure.  Don’t let it get you down, because there’s always next month’s war……..(laughs maniacally).

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