(The opinions expressed herein are solely the opinions of Dr. Evil. We do not assent, concur, approve, sanction, support, favor, esteem, commend, acquiesce, admire, endorse, or agree with, the opinions, feelings, thoughts, views, beliefs, judgments, or outlooks expressed herein. We do not take a view either favorably or unfavorably on evil, in general, or specifically. We do not deny its existence nor do we promote its reality. We neither understand its importance nor do we comprehend its meaning. If it is a concept we should recognize, then we don’t. If it is a concept we shouldn’t recognize, then we do. The morality of evil is purely a personal matter, to be shared among non-consenting adults and children, and is protected by the code of political correctness.)
Dr. Evil: My guests today are President Barak Obama, President of the U.S. and President Vladimir Putin, President of Russia. Gentlemen it’s a great honor to welcome you to my underground lair. I am a great admirer of your careers.
Obama: Likewise, Dr. Evil it is pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Putin: Dr. Evil I have studied your career most extensively. Much can be found to honor and emulate.
Obama: I suppose you want to talk about my opinions on nuclear nonproliferation, a topic I have studied extensively since I became president. I have noticed this is topic which I am instinctively and I am viscerally drawn to in my assessment of the potential catastrophes I have outlined in the many efforts I have undertaken to conquer this problem which I…..
Dr. Evil: Slow down cowboy….why don’t you zip it, respectfully. “I” (using his fingers to form the italics) would like to explore some much more delicious activities. Let’s talk about the Middle East. “I” like what “I” see. War, deceit, manipulation of the public, double-crossing, double-dealing, everyone pursuing their own selfish agenda’s. I couldn’t have designed it better myself. President Obama what is your evil design? (Dr. Evil claps childishly)
Obama: Dr. Evil we have no evil design what so ever. We just want to promote stability, freedom, and remove the Syrian tyrant, Bashar Assad.
Dr. Evil: Why would you want to remove a tyrant? Is he not evil enough?
Obama: Well Assad had originally started his career as a doctor but had to change his direction when his brother died in an automobile accident.
Dr. Evil: Oh perfect, an evil Dr. Genius. What is his specialty? Torture, pillaging, ritualistically shaving someone’s scrotum?
Obama: He is an ophthalmologist.
Dr. Evil: He’s an eye doctor? (Puzzled) Well, then he must have assassinated his brother, correct?
Obama: I don’t think so. But he has persecuted many of his countrymen for their differing tribal and religious leanings and has been accused of crimes against humanity.
Dr. Evil: Ok and the problem is……
Obama: We simply can’t tolerate these criminal acts in the region.
Putin: Tolerate criminal acts? Every one of your allies has more blood on their hands than Assad. This is a tough neighborhood and no schoolboys will be found there. It was the U.S. invasion that allowed the region to descend into chaos.
Dr. Evil: Goody, goody now we are getting somewhere. Barack,…..can I call you Barack? Are you holding back on me? Was this part of your master evil plan?
Obama: Dr. Evil I never had a plan. Assad is just a bad guy who needs to be removed.
Putin: Assad’s only problem is he is not an American puppet. He is a Russian puppet. This is part of the elitist American neo-conservative plan to eliminate any who are not vassals to their hegemonic plans to control the oil of the region.
Obama: I simply don’t agree, we want to allow moderate forces like the Free Syrian Army to establish democratic institutions.
Putin: Most unlikely since you are using the Jihadist-Terrorist ISIS and similar forces to overthrow Assad. What will be created will be a Sunni dominated theocracy with terrorist tendencies. This will result in the dismemberment of Syria and the control of the region by American interests: the Saudis, Turks, and Israeli’s.
Dr. Evil: So President Obama, you ole dog, you have been holding back on me. In the name of freedom and all things good, you are destabilizing Syria, sending millions of refugees fleeing into other countries. Then when all the countries are broke and spent, you will go in and take control. A most evil agenda indeed!
Obama: Respectfully, Dr. Evil, we just want a better regime than Assad.
Putin: You created these ISIS animals, and tell your public that they must be stamped out. Now I tell you that we will help, and you don’t want it.
Obama: That’s because you are bombing the moderate rebels in the Free Syrian Army who we support.
Putin: President Obama, you have an English saying about putting lipstick on a pig. It is still a pig. Using the terms “Moderate” and “Free” is just like that. The Free Syrian army is merely a different set of terrorists. There is no difference.
Dr. Evil: Vlad, may I call you Vlad? I don’t frikin get you. You are accusing Barack of creating a fine bunch of fellows and then complaining because he doesn’t want you to bomb them. Isn’t it clear that Barack doesn’t care about the means, but rather the end, getting rid of your guy, Assad?
Putin: Of course, but these ISIS lunatics are burning, beheading, drowning, bombing, shooting, raping, and kidnapping, thousands of Shia, Christian, Kurds, and even unacceptable Sunnis. This must be stopped, as it will spread into other countries including mine.
Dr. Evil: Barack, President Putin has made some pretty serious charges here. These ISIS guys seem like my kind of people. I guess it comes down to what the difference is between moderate Jihadists and radical Jihadists. What is the difference Barack?
Obama: Well,……I…..ugh…..I think that I can differentiate….
Putin: The difference is a moderate jihadist shoots you and moves on while a radical jihadist publicly executes you while posting a video and tweeting about it.
Dr. Evil: Barack. I can appreciate hiding your true evil agenda, but this is going a bit too far. I am not sure why you don’t loudly proclaim your most devious plans. Humble I guess (sarcastically).
Putin: His agenda is clearly…..
Dr. Evil: Vlad, I have had about all the moralizing I can take from you. You clearly just don’t get it do you. You are way out of your frikin league. I thought with your KGB sensibilities you would have been able to see what is going on. You are in the presence of a true evil genius. You have sent your troops to fight terrorists and to support your long time friend and ally Syria. Your actions are clearly self-serving. But they are not evil, they seem more like,…..uh….rational. Certainly not worthy to be in this discussion. Please leave. Number Two, would you show Vlad to the exit.
Putin: Nyet, I will not leave.
Dr. Evil: Okay…..well then I have another idea, Vlad, how about I place you in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate exotic death using an unnecessarily slow dipping mechanism. How about that Vlad? Don’t you think I won’t do it! (Putin is escorted out by #2)
Obama: Dr. Evil I think that I can resolve this peacefully since I am a Nobel Peace Prize winner. I would suggest….
Dr. Evil: Shhh,…..Shhh…. the use of I is becoming tiresome Barack. You are a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. I am not sure what to do with you. You sow chaos, but seem unaware of your valiant efforts. Are you a cruel, evil, mastermind attempting to dominate the world or are you a misguided, prophet who can’t perceive clearly the consequences of your messianic proclivities?
Obama: Well…do you really want to know?
Dr. Evil: Yes, oh yes, please tell me, some frickin candor would be much appreciated at this juncture.
Obama: This has to be off the record.
Dr. Evil: Of course…and…but let me guess first. You are the Anti-Christ? No, no, no…let me try another, you are the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler…Joe Stalin,…Genghis Khan…?
Obama: None of those. I am a social organizer who got lucky enough to be elected President of the United States…..who figured out soon after being elected that I wasn’t in charge……that I could act within a certain range of my beliefs as far as policy went, but nothing beyond that. Why? Because the real power is never seen. I am an actor playing a role dictated to me. I am able to ad-lib a few lines, but only as long as I stay within the predetermined plot.
Dr. Evil: You are a prisoner in a cage of illusionary power. You are an evil genius’s PUPPET! Most dreadful. So you really aren’t a super evil genius. Well shit, I wasted this interview……..or did I?…….who do you think the real evil geniuses are?
Obama: I don’t know, but Dick Cheney does.